my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
