U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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