Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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