i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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