I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
