apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
They have beer where we have blood.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
