We named our party play list daddy issues
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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