she woke up with a sticky ear
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Never joke about your clitoris.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
