I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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