I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize