a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
