there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
