there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
