I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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