I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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