so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
