The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
