Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
