Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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