If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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