Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
