WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
