I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize