is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
