Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
