I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
