i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
