the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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