She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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