Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
