He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
