I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
