Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
