Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize