i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
