Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
