MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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