My liver just broke up with me...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
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