I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
