do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
