totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize