You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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