I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
