You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize