Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
