My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
