Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
