i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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