R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize