At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
