This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
