Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
