my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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