I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
