you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just gift wrapped bread.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
