nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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