my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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