I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
