guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
