Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
